I have friends, sure. I even have what you'd consider a best friend.

We watch the game together, hang out - go to each others BBQs. We even work at the same paper.

Jack Calloway's a real stand up guy. He's married, has two kids that're barely out of diapers. He's kind of a mentor for me, in some ways. He's been with the New York Indepenent longer than I have; he's been married longer, he's procreated. His house is nicer, his car is newer, and he's better at managing his finances.

I'm not jealous, though. But I do look up to him.

What I like most about him is his that he's a really cranky bastard before he's had his coffee in the morning. He'll curse, and spit and holler at anyone who crosses his desk... until someone brings him his first cuppa joe.It's like office magic. It's entertaining like nothing else at 6 am can be.

But we never really talk about anything important. I don't know his secrets, or his dreams. He doesn't know mine.

I miss the kind of childish friendship where you smeared your bloody fingers together and swore to be brothers in a treehouse somewhere. Where you told each other all the things you wanted to do, which superhero was your favorite, what girls in your class were the hottest....

That companionship dies with childhood, I guess. There's no room for it when you're pursuing a career and a family.

I always enjoyed Halloween as a child. The chance to dress up and pretend to be something I wasn't. Not to mention all the free candy.

This one time though, I was about six... and I was dressed up as Peter Pan. I liked the costume a lot, and I wore it to bed, because it was pajama-like. My mother had told me not to eat any more candy, but I'd brought some in with me anyhow and I was stuffing my little face with it - when suddenly a piece got stuck in my throat. Like really well and truly gasping for breath stuck.

It was a hard candy- a life saver - and I think I was basically breathing through the little hole. I didn't want to tell my mom it had happened, because I knew she'd yell at me for eating candy in bed. But it was getting harder to breath, and I was starting to panic so finally I did. I went out there and pointed at my throat and made some gasping noises and showed her the wrapper, tears in my eyes.

My mother, ever a practical woman, went into the kitchen and got the cooking oil. She squirted a little into my mouth and instructed me to try to swallow. Down went the candy, along with the oil.

That was the end of my eating candy in bed, though I still loved Halloween.

I've always wanted something more than the plain-vanilla type of relationship I have. Something darker. Something exotic, exciting, and maybe a little dangerous.

But I've been afraid to pursue it. My safe upbringing only prepared me for marriage and family, not these perversions.

Still, these are the thoughts that pop into my head when I'm carefully avoiding Mavis's eyes while performing the requisite motions in the missionary position. These are the subjects of the magazines I hide in my desk drawer, and in my computer under false file names in innocuous folders like "tax receipts" and "writing tools". I worry what'll happen if someday she's searching for something, and misclicks - and winds up with a video full of things she's never even imagined two people could do together staring her right in the face.

They're my dark secrets, and I only explore them in the dark - alone, though I wish sometimes that she had that place inside of her that wanted such things, too. Or that I could find someone who does have that... slightly naughty nature.

Taken from :
Given Name: Philip Matthew Daniels
* Nickname(s): Phil

* Appearance:
- gender male
- age 29
- height 5' 7"
- weight 142 lbs
- hair color/style sandy brown , casual cut
- eye color brown
- makeup none
- clothing style casual, kinda preppy
* Race/ethnicity: white / English and Irish ancestry

* Physical abilities/limitations:
Right now, being in a coma makes me pretty limited. Before that, I wasn't really Mr. Star athlete, either.

Background

Socioeconomic class/standing:
Lower middle class, much to my wife's regret.

* Religion:
Kinda agnostic. Occasionally atheist when I'm in a bad mood.

* Place of birth:
Lansing, Michigan

* Place and time of story:
New York, New York in 2006 ? Maybe some time has passed, but I think it was fall. The leaves were changing.

* Parents' profiles
Elaine and Andrew Daniels
- race/ethnicity: white
- socioeconomic level: middle class
- religion: protestant
- habits: kinda dull, really. I mean, they worked hard, and now they're retired. Mom gardens. Dad fishes.
- quality of relationship with child(ren): I visit them every other Sunday.
- living/deceased: Living

* Brothers/sisters/significant-other relatives (profile each)
Wife- Mavis Daniels
- race/ethnicity:white
- socioeconomic level: lower middle class (much to her regret)
- religion: Catholic
- habits: Likes to shop and do church charity work
- quality of relationship: Not as good as I'd like, really. I mean, things started out well.. but lately...
- living/deceased: living

* Family structure/life:
I was born the only child of a protestant couple in a middle class neighborhood. I went to a Montessori school for my kindergarten and elementary education, which made high school pretty surprising. I read a lot and had a few good friends, but I wasn't really all that social. Not picked on or anything like that, really. Just kind of an average kid. When I was in sixth grade, my teacher assigned us to write a story about dogs - and that's where I really found my calling. Not dogs, but writing. My story was all about the secret lives of the dogs in our neighborhood. She said it was very imaginative, and gave me an A+. In highschool, I wrote for the school paper and became the editor my senior year. That was also when I met Mavis. She was a junior who had just transfered in from Florida. We went to the prom together and everything - first mine, then hers. When I went away to New York for college, we kept in touch though we didn't date-date. But when I came back, she and I hit it off big. We got married a year later. And then things happened. I think she expected my career to go places it didn't. She though I'd be writing for The New York Times instead of The New York Independent - it's a small paper, but a good one. I mean, we all have to start somewhere. And I'd just come into this big story, too... but Mavis didn't like me spending all those long hours at work.

Other things growing up? Well, sometimes i'd visit my grandparents. They had a big old farm, and I'd go there in the summer sometimes. And I've always wanted to go to Mexico - but I've never been. I wanted to go on vacation one year, but we always went safe, sanitized places like Disneyland and Valley Forge and the Grand Canyon.

Psychology


* Outer Goal (physical): To wake up.

* Inner Goal (psychological/emotional): To understand what's happened to me, how I got here...

* Superobjective:
* Life, career, or personal goals outside of the realm of the story:
To be successful at my career - to really be someone, I guess.

* Defining characteristic:
Determination

* Hopes/desires: To wake up, to have a better relationship, to make something of my life, to find out... something. I forget what it was.

* Fears/phobias: - failure, abandonment, buses

* Dirty Secrets: Well... I have some porn on my computer, and uh.. a couple of magazines under the files in the drawers of my desk.
And it's not all uh.. you know, guy-on-girl normal stuff either. I hope Mavis never finds it.

I cheated on a couple of exams in high school.

Even though I told Mavis I didn't date anyone in college, I did have a couple of relationships.

* Introvert or extrovert?: Introvert, mostly.

* More thinking or feeling?: Thinking

* What do you see is the biggest contradiction(s) your character lives out?:
I guess that I'm investigating things when I don't really understand all the circumstances of my own life.

* Tends to be self centered? Selfish? Selfless?:
More self-centered than I should be, I know.

* Favorite and hated foods/drinks:
My favorite drink is tequila , my favorite food is pizza - the white kind with broccoli.

Least favorite? Oysters. They're slimy and raw and ick. Mavis tried to get me to eat them once because they were an aphrodisiac - I nearly puked on her.

* Education or important learning experiences:
Bachelor of Arts from NYU in General and Investigative Reporting

* Most hated activities:
Mowing the damn lawn and other household chores

* Most enjoyed activities:
Investigative reporting, travel, sex

* Deepest secret or wildest fantasy:
Well.. this isn't embarrassing or anything, is it?
Leather.. bondage, domination... I've had fantasies about that.
About being submissive, more than being dominating, really.
Not always to women. Uh.. yeah. Moving on...

* Sense (or lack!) of humor: what makes your character laugh?
I like slapstick comedy a lot. Three Stooges, Marx Brothers kind of things. Mavis says it's pretty lowbrow of me, but I find visual humor funny.

* Who is your character's hero, or who do they admire or emulate?
Edward R Murrow

Philosophy & Morality

* Attitudes toward:
- self I try to take care of myself, as much as possible. I try to be positive.
- others I try to treat people fairly.
- friendship I don't have as many good friends as I'd like to have.
- sex I tend to feel guilty about sex and my sexual desires.
- love Love isn't all I thought it would be. A lot of guilt here, too.
- familyI love them, but I'm more distant from them than I have been in the past.
- marriageAgain with the guilt- I know I should be doing more to make my marriage better.
- countryI love my country, but i don't agree with a lot of our politics and foreign policy.
- the worldA lot of hunger, hating, and fighting going on. Sad, really. But it's always been that way.
- religion Don't much believe in it, because I haven't seen much evidence that it's real.

* Political philosophy:
- conservative/traditional/ liberal/radical:Moderate, I think. Not conservative, but not super liberal either.
- public causes supported/protested:Freedom of press is always a big one.
- politically active/apathetic:Active when I feel there's an important issue.

* Superstitions?:
I have a lot of writing related superstitions. Like I can't type when anyone is watching me. And I like to have my windows arranged in a certain order (with a browser open in case I need to look something up as I'm writing). And I have to have my pencil holder that my niece (Mavis's sister's daughter) made for me at camp holding my pencils. And I think I have kinda a post-it fetish. I'd feel naked without post-its.

* Catchphrase that defines their worldview? (examples: "What goes around comes around." "Live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse." etc.):
Life & Lifestyle
When all is said and done, there's a lot more said than done.

* Closest friend(s): Jack Calloway

* Job/career/occupation: reporter
- Attitude towards job: good - I like my work
* Noted accomplishments: Well,I wrote a really good piece on city garbage once that got some recognition.
- Famous/infamous? Hah. I wish.
* Clubs/organizations belonged to:I once wanted to join the Freemasons. But I couldn't get in.

* Favorite music or group/favorite TV shows or films:
Music - I like some old jazz stuff, mellow things. I'm not a big music buff though. It's mostly just background to what I'm doing
TV - Law and Order, CSI, Murphy Brown, WKRP in Cincinnati
Movies - Goodnight and Goodluck, Anchorman, old Marx brothers films, Casablanca, Westerns

* Hobbies:
reading, watching dvds, the occasional drink down at the pub while watching the game, porn sometimes...

* How would your character react to:

- Inheriting $1 million: I'd freak out for a while, then spend a 1/4 of it on a new house and car. Then I'd invest the rest, and live off the interest.
- The death of a loved one: I'd grieve a lot, I guess. I mean.. I haven't really lost anyone close, other than my grandparents and I only saw them once a year or so when I was a kid.
- A natural disaster: hurricane/earthquake, etc.: I'd hide/evacuate. I'm not a hero.
- Being fired: I'd totally lose it for a while. I'd angst and wear my bathrobe and cry. And then write a novel or something.
- Meeting an old friend or enemy not seen for years:I'd try to pretend my life was better than it is, I think, honestly.
- Having or raising children: I'd try to be a good parent, and teach them not to suck at life.
- Being raped/mugged/violated in some way: Therapy. Lots of therapy.
- An unexpected kindness or compliment: I'd smile and be pleased.
- A serious illness such as AIDS or cancer:I'd be devastated, and try to get everything done while I still had time left. Arrange for my funeral and all.
- A flat tire on the expressway: I'd pull over and use my cell to call triple A. I have Plus membership.
- An interracial relationship:I'd find that pretty hot, really.
- Five minutes on local or national TV: Been there, done that. TV makes me kind of edgy.. not to mention, the camera makes me look a little fat.

A. If your character were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would they most regret not having told someone? Why haven't they told them yet?
I would regret not telling Mavis I'm sorry for how our relationship panned out. I haven't told her because I'm not sure what she'll do.

B. Would your character accept $1,000,000 to leave the county and never set foot in it again?
Depends on where I'd have to go. If I could go to Canada or Mexico, or a decent European country.. .sure!

C. Your character is given the power to kill people simply by thinking of their deaths and twice repeating the word "good-bye." People would die a natural death and no one would suspect them. Are there any situations in which they would use this power? [If they can imagine themselves killing someone indirectly, could they still see doing it if they had to look into the person's eyes and stab the person to death? Have they ever genuinely wanted to kill someone or wished them dead?]
Wow.. that's.. uh.. great question. I guess if someone was a serial killer, or a world leader that was doing a lot of harm... yeah, I could do that. Indirectly. Directly... I think I'd puss out. I don't think I've ever really wanted someone dead, no.

D. What would constitute a "perfect" evening for your character?
Being completely relaxed somewhere, with nothing on my my mind. Maybe in Mexico, watching a sunset, sipping a tequila.

E. Would your character rather be extremely successful professionally and have a tolerable yet unexciting private life, or have an extremely happy private life and only a tolerable and uninspiring professional life? [Since so many people place great emphasis on a happy private life, why do people often wind up putting more energy into their professional lives? If you feel that their private life is more important to your character, do their priorities support this? Are they simply unwilling to admit that work is more important? Do they use work as a substitute? Do they hope professional success will somehow magically lead to personal happiness?]
I think I do sometimes have that magical belief that if I were more successful, things would be better between me and Mavis. Maybe it's wrong, but she does seem to like it when we can buy more things. I keep working at my job because I don't know how to work at my life any more than I do.

F. If your character could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
The ability to tell whether someone is lying to me or telling the truth.

G. Your character has the chance to meet someone with whom they can have the most satisfying love imaginable - the stuff of dreams. Sadly, they know that in six months the person will die. Knowing that pain that would follow, would they still want to meet that person and fall in love? What if they knew their lover would not die, but instead would betray them? [In love, is intensity or permanence more important to them? How much do they expect from someone who loves them? What would make them feel betrayed by their mate - indifference? Dishonesty? Infidelity?
I would choose the passion and fall in love if they would die, but not if they would betray me. I tend to have low expectations of love, though. Is indifference betrayal? Maybe Mavis and I have betrayed each other, then.

H. Does your character prefer being around men or women? Do their closest friends tend to be men or women?
My closest friends tend to be men. It's easier for me to get along with those of my own gender.

I. Would your character be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world? [Would it torment them more to have the blood of an innocent person on their hands or to know they let millions of people die? What do they think of people who achieve great things by compromising their principles? Many are will to give their own lives but not to take the life of another; is anything so important they would sacrifice their very soul for it?]
Personally? No. But if someone else did it, well.. I think it would be an acceptable sacrifice. I think that sometimes principals need to be broken. I'm not sure I believe in my soul... so I can't say how I'd be willing to sacrifice it.

J. What is their most treasured memory?
A memory that I'm not sure is my own, but I've dreamed of it. I'm walking on a beach. It's sunset, and the colors are streaking over the water, the clouds hanging low in the sky. I'm sipping from a glass of tequila - my feet are bare, and I can feel the sand between my toes. I don't have any particular destination, I'm just walking. But I feel peaceful - at peace.

K. If your character knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would they do?
Make friends with someone who has an EXCELLENT bomb shelter.

L. What is the greatest accomplishment of your character's life? Is there anything they hope to do that is even better?
Graduating college. I hope to someday have a truly successful career- that would be better.

M. One would be the one material item your character would save during a fire?
My autographed picture of Edward R Murrow

N. Your character is offered $1,000,000 for the following act: before them are ten pistols - only one of which is loaded. They must pick up one of the pistols, point it at their forehead, and pull the trigger. If they can walk away they do so a millionaire. Would they accept the risk?
No, I'm not that lucky.

O. If your character could choose the manner of their death, what would it be? [Would they die a hero's death, die a martyr to some great cause, die in a natural catastrophe, or die peacefully? Why is it so tempting to have death catch us in our sleep?]
I'd die in my sleep, that old cliche. It's tempting because when we sleep, when we're not dreaming, there's nothing. But it's comfortable nothing, familiar nothing. To slip from that into permanent oblivion isn't that bad.

P. For what in your character's life do they feel most grateful?
I'm grateful that my job is giving me time to investigate... what I'm looking into. I can't remember.

Q. How forgiving is your character?
As forgiving as the next guy, I guess. I'm not one to hold a grudge.

R. When your character tells a story, do they often exaggerate or embellish it? If so, why?
I'm a journalist. I tend to stick to the facts.

S. How much does your character feel in control of the course of their life?
I have a plan. But when things go wrong with that plan, I feel lost.

T. Is it easy for your character to ask for help when they need it? Will they ask for help?
It's good to know your sources - I mean, when you need help, you need to know who to ask and how to ask for it. Of course.

U. Would your character like to be famous? In what way?
I'd like to be well known for my journalism. Or maybe for a novel, someday.

V. What are your character's most compulsive habits? Do they regularly struggle to break those habits?
I fidget a lot when I'm nervous. I tap my feet, and my pencil. Sometimes I chew on pencils, too. I don't try to break them as much as I should.

W. What does your character strive for most in their life: accomplishment, security, love, power, excitement, knowledge, or something else?
Knowledge, always knowledge.

X. How easily embarrassed is your character?
I have a fair complexion and I blush pretty easily.

Y. Does the fact that your character has never done something before increase or decrease its appeal to them?
I like new things, as long as they're not completely dangerous.

Z. How many different sexual partners has your character had in their life? Would they prefer to have had more or fewer?
Three... well, four if you count oral. I'd like for it to be more... but yeah, that whole.. embarrassment and guilt about sex thing.

1. What is your favorite word?
Serendipity - it's a neat word. Rolls off the tongue. Great concept, too.

02. What is your least favorite word?
Algorithm. I sucked at math.

03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Artistic things are well and good, but I like artists better than art, if that makes any sense. I like seeing people who are passionate about things that they really believe in. For me, what really turns me on is investigative journalism.

04. What turns you off?
Giving in. Weakness. People that just kind of shrug and say 'that's the way it is'. Apathy.

05. What is your favorite curse word?
Shit-eater (or shit-eating). It's kind of amusingly gross.

06. What sound or noise do you love?
Old fashioned typewriters, or hands clicking on keyboard keys.

07. What sound or noise do you hate?
Yelling. People or crowds or just a singular person yelling.

08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
When I was a kid, I wanted to join the circus and be the guy up on the trapeze. I'm afraid of heights, though. Realistically, if I wasn't a journalist I'd likely be a writer of some other sort. Or an editor.

09. What profession would you not like to do?
Manual labor doesn't do it for me. Any sort of back breaking work. I know there's something to be said for it according to the greats... but yeah. Not for me.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"I'm sorry for all the trouble, son. Here, have a cookie."

Are gods real? Well, I suppose they're as real as we make them. What's the nature of reality, anyway? I've always wondered that. What happens when we sleep - do we enter another world when we dream/ Do we create worlds, by dreaming them into existence? What makes them any more or less real than our waking reality?

I don't really believe that there's an old man in the sky looking down on us and judging us for our sins. I could never really get into all that, no matter how many times people tried to drum it into my head. If there's a heaven or a hell, or a limbo or a purgatory even - I think we create them ourselves, and place ourselves into them. There our idea of god will look down on us in pity or in judgment or with love, depending on what we believe.

I guess I knew my relationship with Mavis was doomed from the start. She was a good Catholic girl, and me - well, I was a journalist. Not exactly the respectable kind of job that would earn me big money and buy her all the things she wanted. Plus she had this thing about making me go to confession. She thought ever time we tried a new sex position, there should be a visit to St. Anges and some penance involved. It wasn't exactly a great way to have a marriage. Not that I didn't have my share of flaws - I worked too hard, didn't pay enough attention to all the things that were important to her. Maybe we were just like oil and water, and it wasn't anyone's fault.